It's a sip-on-warm-milk, watch-the-rain-fall, drift-off-to-sleep-with-your-sick/fussy-baby, try-to-get-motivation-to-feed-the-dog-and-throw-all-your-worries-to-the-wayside kind of night tonight. His dilation went well, and I'll update more on that later. I think we're both coming down with something. So for now, I must sleep.

Goodnight

out-takes

Hey Sawyer. Whatcha doin? Oh, just eating some chocolate.

time for breakfast

Doesn't look safe, I know. Sawyer was sick of sitting so he convinced his daddy to walk him around with his xylophone and pump in tow.

back and forth

in and out

whoops don't drop it

Buy! Buy! Sell! Sell!!

texting his friends

trying out hair clipppers for
 the first time

the buzzzz was a bit traumatic, but he looks clean-cut!

step by step

Sawyer has been growing like a weed lately. He is such a little character and is constantly providing entertainment because he knows he has our undivided attention. He definitely is strong-willed and knows what he wants. He wants to be held almost all day, but I make him walk. So I hold one hand and he follows me around the house and helps me clean up his messes. He doesn't particularly like to be abandoned in the living room with all his toys to distract him because it means he has to sit and be alone for a few minutes. You'd think I don't get anything done all day, and that's pretty accurate. Which is okay with me, but I hope he learns to be more independent.

It finally happened today. I was driving and out of nowhere, the image of Sawyer as a baby with a Replogle in his nose popped into my mind. I suddenly realized that I miss him being that age. I have always been so anxious for him to GROW and to gain weight and learn how to eat and catch up that it didn't really affect me when I packed away the clothes he's outgrown. But it finally dawned on me that I'll never have those moments back. Fortunately, we took close to a thousand pictures, so hopefully that will help keep the memory fresh in my mind.

Taylor decided to take over in the feeding therapy department one night and re-introduced the sippy cup. He was pretty open to putting his mouth around the spout, and if Taylor squeezed it slightly, just enough milk came out for him to swallow. Then he opened his mouth again and again like a calf drinking from the udder. It reminds me of the first time we did kangaroo care and he opened his mouth and instinctively searched for an udder. He eats everything we put out in front of him, granted they are in small enough pieces and soft. The desire is definitely there. But for the past month, he's been having choking episodes that makes him start gagging and cough up a good amount of stomach content. The biggest culprit is bread, which he loves. So we need to have his esophagus examined to see if there is a narrowing or motility issue and what we can do to help make eating a better experience. For now, we just feed him bits of chocolate because it instantly melts and it's delicious.

OH what a year and OH how we've grown.

This past Thursday January 12, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of Sawyer's birth, otherwise known as his BIRTHDAY!! OH! the preparation that goes into birthdays. (sigh)

Our family has a tradition of celebrating birthdays on the Sunday night closest to the birthday, but Taylor's family does that too sometimes. Taylor was working in Boise on his actual Birthday, so I was super conflicted on which day to have the big hurrah. I decided to ditch the Sunday night parties and consolidate into ONE simple, short and sweet gig on: Saturday morning!

I invited both families to our tiny house for brunch so that they could come, eat, and carry on with their day- no need to drag it out into the night, I say. It was perfect! Everyone was full of energy, stuffed their faces, and left in time to see Beauty and the Beast in theaters.



Sawyer was skeptical the entire time. I'm sure these were his exact thoughts: "Why are so many people here? Why are people violently handling the balloons, and why are there balloons in every corner of the living room? Cake? Why did you put a whole cake in front of me? Do you expect me to attack the cake and shove handfuls into my mouth? Why are my fingers sticky? When is nap time? Hold me. Presents? Okay, I guess I'll open those."

I asked my little brother to bless the food beforehand and he gave Sawyer a sweet tribute, acknowledging that he made it to a very important milestone in his life and he has grown so much in those 12 months. He acknowledged how everyone has been touched by his example, and how he has taught us compassion, and how to love.

That last sentence stuck out to me and played over and over in my head as the day went on. I know that I have been touched and influenced probably the most from Sawyer, and I do know that because of him, I am a kinder, more loving and compassionate person than I was even a year ago. This entire experience has been a true test of courage, character, faith, but most importantly, compassion.

Exactly this time last year, I was sitting in sacrament meeting at the University. I had done a pretty good job of keeping it together, emotionally. I had so much to be happy about- I was grateful to have given birth and finally meet my baby; that he was healthy and in the best hands- so much so that I could attend sacrament so soon after having a baby. Surely, there was no need to cry. I was asked to say the opening prayer, so I gladly accepted. But first we sang a hymn. I don't remember the hymn (I blame the Percocet), but as soon as the organ started playing, something deep within me emerged and suddenly I felt something I had never felt before. The familiarity of the song in an unfamiliar setting in an unfamiliar situation obliterated my composure that I had worked so hard to maintain. I couldn't control my tears for the life of me. The song was ending and I couldn't stop. My mom saved the day and said the prayer for me. I went to the restroom to get some fresh air and to wipe my nose, but the sight of my sad, longing eyes made me lose it over and over.

I remember that moment so well. I was discharged from the hospital that day and I went straight to the condo and slept. It felt so weird to think that my baby was not with me. I tried to stay strong, but would privately sob in the shower, "I miss him so much......I miss my baby soo much..."

From that day on, I felt love because I knew love. I mostly attribute it to hormones, but I softened around my icy edges and devoted my energy to giving Sawyer my heart. Even on my worst day, I was mostly mindful and grateful that he was such a strong spirit. And so I could be strong too.

Sawyer has blessed my life in countless ways. His very existence carried me through the day-to-day for the longest 5 months of my life. And the best part? It's only going to get better. :)

Dear Sawyer,

Next year for your birthday cake, you will definitely dig in. You may not necessarily eat it, and it may get thrown across the room, but I'm confident you'll know exactly what it is and what we do when we're offered cake! You are your mother's son, after all!!

Happy 1st Birthday Sawyer!!

Exactly One Year

Starting today, there will be a lot of anniversarys concerning Sawyer. Today marks the one year anniversary of finding out he wasn't swallowing amniotic fluid, and that my birth plan would dramatically change in ways I never anticipated.

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However, last year's Christmas was an exciting and relaxing one. I woke up at noon. Our house was quiet. I probably ate mashed potatoes for breakfast, a staple in the last months of my pregnancy.  Everyone I visited that day politely told me how huge I was, telling me I "popped" in just the last week. I agreed, as I shoved pizza (another staple) in my mouth. I ignorantly accumulated newborn presents, commenting on how I'll be using those items for sure the first few months of Sawyer's life. Swaddling blankets galore, bottles, pacifiers, onesies. I was set. I just needed to go to the hospital, have a baby, and bring him home.

 This year was definitely different, and loads better. I was actually able to go out and buy presents and wrap them and do all the things normal people do, instead of laying in bed like a beached whale hoping someone would bring me mashed potatoes every few hours.

Christmas with a little one is so much better and more fun than I ever imagined. Everything was done with special emphasis of being Sawyer's "First Christmas." The tree went up right after Thanksgiving and won't come down until after New Year's. Grandparents and cousins spoiled him with toys, we gave him books, and you can bet I didn't forget my camera when it came time to open presents. I have officially become a full-fledged mom. I slept for two days straight afterwards, but Christmas eve and day were a success.

His latest trick, besides walking with us holding his arms for hours and hours, is eating tiny bits of bread. My mom tried a few nights ago. She took off a tiny bite size piece of bread, put it in her palm, and held it in front of Sawyer. Much to my dismay, he grabbed it with his chubby fingers and it went straight into his mouth. He did it again. And again. So we've been trying everyday since to feed him bread and I think he'll be eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in no time.

I have been thinking a lot about Sawyer's eating progression. A lot of family and friends ask "is he eating yet?" and while it's a fairly simple question, it's not a simple answer. I think considering the circumstances, he is doing stellar. But I think other people expect him to be guzzling down bottles by now and happily taking baby food from a spoon. Neither of those are happening right now. But every now and then, he'll consume one little bite of something, not necessarily happily, and it's because I have to trick him into taking it. It's a lot of work. It's frustrating. I have to become a Ninja, and dance along this thin line of force feeding and making it a fun and natural experience everyday, somedays with no signs of improvement or progression. I know this is just the way it is, and I'm not discouraged, but had I done a few things differently in the NICU, I know for a fact he would be a different eater today. I know that if I would have allowed him to nurse non-nutritively, then he would have made the connection that sucking = comfort (in the very least). It would have helped develop those sucking muscles and made him feel comfortable with sucking. He has a weak suck, still, and his pacifier is comforting for him, but it's not used to suck on. He mostly gnaws and flicks it with his tongue. So, most definitely no, he is not taking a bottle, and he has no desire to work to get milk out of a sippy cup. I have come to accept the fact that we may be rockin' the g-tube beyond infancy and toddlerhood. He has missed the window on so many levels, but at least he has the rest of his life to learn how to eat. For now, I can only gently encourage him to eat bits of bread and that's all I really can do for him.

I took him to Winco with me tonight and as we were checking out, we were next to a cart with a 5 or so year old girl next to us. He noticed her and didn't take his eyes off her. Next thing I knew, she was talking to him, and he was smiling and raising his eyebrow for like 5 minutes straight. Whenever she said something to him, he giggled and then kept grinning. ahh.. boys.

11 months

I was looking through old video footage of Sawyer as a fragile 4 month old. Even ten minutes of exercise was exhausting and required a lengthy nap afterward. Oh, I miss those days. This little monster of mine is no longer one for intermittent movement or long naps. Our 11 month old is a mover, always on the go, and we're lucky if he takes a nap for longer than 30 minutes more than one time a day.

I feel like ever since his surgery, he has been a spitfire little boy with a sudden interest in getting into everything he can get his hands onto. Besides the usual slapping me across the face, he has to always be holding something-anything- and if he goes two seconds without a toy, he either screams or takes off with his half-way crawl. This becomes an issue when he's connected to the pump and wants to crawl to the other side of the room. So we have to strap him down in a chair and put at least ten objects in his lap to keep him occupied for at least 20 of the 30 minutes. As soon as he's disconnected, he wants to explore and finally we discovered that he likes to be in a certain nook of our living room, back facing the wall, with toys spread out liberally and the TV playing. He can then sit and entertain himself without going nuts for someone's undivided attention.

Yes, he is crawling. Not quite cruising around, but he can get from point A to point B with a hesitant, wobbly crawl. He is a better eater, as well. We tried a marshmallow like Lorraine suggested and he actually attacked it so bad we gave him another. While he was in attack-mode, he bit off a big chunk of a cheeto and gave me a look. He chomped and swallowed it, then threw it down. He will take 1-2 ounces of baby food per feeding, so we're working on decreasing his bolus volume and supplementing with baby food. Not too bad considering he used to press his lips together anytime he saw a spoon or could smell licorice. I hope he keeps it up.

I'm working on uploading pictures, so I will get those attached when they're done. But I figured I'd at least post the updates for now. 

Orchiopexy Time!

We came down to Primary's last Monday and the procedure went really well. I was glad we were able to see the lights at Temple Square Sunday evening. We even knew the perfect parking place (condo complex parking). I will admit I got a little teary-eyed when we drove up State street and saw all the Christmas lights and the Capitol shining brightly. Ahhh. Memories. 

We got to the hospital by 6:30 am and got to visit with all the nurses in the NICU. Thanks to those who sent us on our way feeling confident about his procedure. Even though it was minor, it was comforting to see familiar faces and have that assurance that all will be okay.

After the procedure, which took around 2 hours, Dr. Cartwright greeted us in the famous parent waiting room that we got to know and love. He told us it went really well. His right testicle, which was higher than the left, was down far enough that he was able to pull it down with enough slack. I went back to the recovery  room and was greeted by Sawyer crawling up the nurse's shoulder, crying with a raspy voice, while she was trying to untangle his cords. It was kind of funny. She handed him to me and I rocked him to sleep. We walked to a different bed space and I was able to sit in a rocking chair and hold him. He was pretty loopy, but slightly squirmy, so after Taylor held him for a while, we just put him back in his bed and took a quick lunch break. He took the Pedialyte okay, so we dressed him and unhooked him from his cords and took off. Easy peasy.

The very next day, he was back to his normal self. We can't have him use toys that he straddles (loves) (jumper and walker saucer thingy) so we are obligated to walk him up and down the hall, to every corner of the house, until he's satisfied.