Our family has a tradition of celebrating birthdays on the Sunday night closest to the birthday, but Taylor's family does that too sometimes. Taylor was working in Boise on his actual Birthday, so I was super conflicted on which day to have the big hurrah. I decided to ditch the Sunday night parties and consolidate into ONE simple, short and sweet gig on: Saturday morning!
I invited both families to our tiny house for brunch so that they could come, eat, and carry on with their day- no need to drag it out into the night, I say. It was perfect! Everyone was full of energy, stuffed their faces, and left in time to see Beauty and the Beast in theaters.
Sawyer was skeptical the entire time. I'm sure these were his exact thoughts: "Why are so many people here? Why are people violently handling the balloons, and why are there balloons in every corner of the living room? Cake? Why did you put a whole cake in front of me? Do you expect me to attack the cake and shove handfuls into my mouth? Why are my fingers sticky? When is nap time? Hold me. Presents? Okay, I guess I'll open those."
I asked my little brother to bless the food beforehand and he gave Sawyer a sweet tribute, acknowledging that he made it to a very important milestone in his life and he has grown so much in those 12 months. He acknowledged how everyone has been touched by his example, and how he has taught us compassion, and how to love.
That last sentence stuck out to me and played over and over in my head as the day went on. I know that I have been touched and influenced probably the most from Sawyer, and I do know that because of him, I am a kinder, more loving and compassionate person than I was even a year ago. This entire experience has been a true test of courage, character, faith, but most importantly, compassion.
Exactly this time last year, I was sitting in sacrament meeting at the University. I had done a pretty good job of keeping it together, emotionally. I had so much to be happy about- I was grateful to have given birth and finally meet my baby; that he was healthy and in the best hands- so much so that I could attend sacrament so soon after having a baby. Surely, there was no need to cry. I was asked to say the opening prayer, so I gladly accepted. But first we sang a hymn. I don't remember the hymn (I blame the Percocet), but as soon as the organ started playing, something deep within me emerged and suddenly I felt something I had never felt before. The familiarity of the song in an unfamiliar setting in an unfamiliar situation obliterated my composure that I had worked so hard to maintain. I couldn't control my tears for the life of me. The song was ending and I couldn't stop. My mom saved the day and said the prayer for me. I went to the restroom to get some fresh air and to wipe my nose, but the sight of my sad, longing eyes made me lose it over and over.
I remember that moment so well. I was discharged from the hospital that day and I went straight to the condo and slept. It felt so weird to think that my baby was not with me. I tried to stay strong, but would privately sob in the shower, "I miss him so much......I miss my baby soo much..."
From that day on, I felt love because I knew love. I mostly attribute it to hormones, but I softened around my icy edges and devoted my energy to giving Sawyer my heart. Even on my worst day, I was mostly mindful and grateful that he was such a strong spirit. And so I could be strong too.
Sawyer has blessed my life in countless ways. His very existence carried me through the day-to-day for the longest 5 months of my life. And the best part? It's only going to get better. :)
Dear Sawyer,
Next year for your birthday cake, you will definitely dig in. You may not necessarily eat it, and it may get thrown across the room, but I'm confident you'll know exactly what it is and what we do when we're offered cake! You are your mother's son, after all!!
Happy 1st Birthday Sawyer!!
