Exactly One Year

Starting today, there will be a lot of anniversarys concerning Sawyer. Today marks the one year anniversary of finding out he wasn't swallowing amniotic fluid, and that my birth plan would dramatically change in ways I never anticipated.

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However, last year's Christmas was an exciting and relaxing one. I woke up at noon. Our house was quiet. I probably ate mashed potatoes for breakfast, a staple in the last months of my pregnancy.  Everyone I visited that day politely told me how huge I was, telling me I "popped" in just the last week. I agreed, as I shoved pizza (another staple) in my mouth. I ignorantly accumulated newborn presents, commenting on how I'll be using those items for sure the first few months of Sawyer's life. Swaddling blankets galore, bottles, pacifiers, onesies. I was set. I just needed to go to the hospital, have a baby, and bring him home.

 This year was definitely different, and loads better. I was actually able to go out and buy presents and wrap them and do all the things normal people do, instead of laying in bed like a beached whale hoping someone would bring me mashed potatoes every few hours.

Christmas with a little one is so much better and more fun than I ever imagined. Everything was done with special emphasis of being Sawyer's "First Christmas." The tree went up right after Thanksgiving and won't come down until after New Year's. Grandparents and cousins spoiled him with toys, we gave him books, and you can bet I didn't forget my camera when it came time to open presents. I have officially become a full-fledged mom. I slept for two days straight afterwards, but Christmas eve and day were a success.

His latest trick, besides walking with us holding his arms for hours and hours, is eating tiny bits of bread. My mom tried a few nights ago. She took off a tiny bite size piece of bread, put it in her palm, and held it in front of Sawyer. Much to my dismay, he grabbed it with his chubby fingers and it went straight into his mouth. He did it again. And again. So we've been trying everyday since to feed him bread and I think he'll be eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in no time.

I have been thinking a lot about Sawyer's eating progression. A lot of family and friends ask "is he eating yet?" and while it's a fairly simple question, it's not a simple answer. I think considering the circumstances, he is doing stellar. But I think other people expect him to be guzzling down bottles by now and happily taking baby food from a spoon. Neither of those are happening right now. But every now and then, he'll consume one little bite of something, not necessarily happily, and it's because I have to trick him into taking it. It's a lot of work. It's frustrating. I have to become a Ninja, and dance along this thin line of force feeding and making it a fun and natural experience everyday, somedays with no signs of improvement or progression. I know this is just the way it is, and I'm not discouraged, but had I done a few things differently in the NICU, I know for a fact he would be a different eater today. I know that if I would have allowed him to nurse non-nutritively, then he would have made the connection that sucking = comfort (in the very least). It would have helped develop those sucking muscles and made him feel comfortable with sucking. He has a weak suck, still, and his pacifier is comforting for him, but it's not used to suck on. He mostly gnaws and flicks it with his tongue. So, most definitely no, he is not taking a bottle, and he has no desire to work to get milk out of a sippy cup. I have come to accept the fact that we may be rockin' the g-tube beyond infancy and toddlerhood. He has missed the window on so many levels, but at least he has the rest of his life to learn how to eat. For now, I can only gently encourage him to eat bits of bread and that's all I really can do for him.

I took him to Winco with me tonight and as we were checking out, we were next to a cart with a 5 or so year old girl next to us. He noticed her and didn't take his eyes off her. Next thing I knew, she was talking to him, and he was smiling and raising his eyebrow for like 5 minutes straight. Whenever she said something to him, he giggled and then kept grinning. ahh.. boys.